


A Love Like War

by Dearly_Divided



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, But mostly angst, Introspection, Jealousy, Multi, One sided relationship, Pining, Some Fluff, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, jealous Tali, lonely Tali
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 02:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12666114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dearly_Divided/pseuds/Dearly_Divided
Summary: She was happy for them, really, she was. If two people deserved happiness in this messy galaxy then it was Shepard and Garrus, but why did it have to be with each other?Was she awful for wishing she were in her best friend’s place?





	A Love Like War

There was never an official announcement. No one came out and said ‘Hey, by the way we’re together now’, not that she had expected that there would be. They were adults, not children, but still, a little warning might have been nice. It just so happened that one day when Tali went to search out the Turian for some company she found him kissing Shepard. Deeply and very inappropriately. Tali had blushed and threw apologies out over her interruption as she scrambled from the room. It was only later, down in the engine room after Donnelly and Daniels had left that she allowed herself to feel her heart breaking.

 

She was happy for them, really, she was. If two people deserved happiness in this messy galaxy then it was Shepard and Garrus, but why did it have to be with each other?

 

Garrus and Shepard had always been close. Since the day they saved her life and Tali joined the Normandy crew she had noticed that the relationship between the Commander and the Turian was different from her relationship with any of her other crew mates.  

 

Tali had never met anyone who inspired the kind of loyalty and respect that Shepard did. She could see that every single member of their rag tag team would follow the Commander anywhere, herself included. Even Urdnot Wrex, the Merc without a conscience, and Jack the foulmouthed, rogue biotic trusted Shepard beyond a shadow of a doubt. She had watched with her own two eyes Shepard charm the pants off diplomats and crime lords alike. People wanted to follow her.

 

But with Garrus it was different.

 

She noticed it the first time they went out on a mission, just the three of them. The way they moved in battle, like they were dancing, just the two of them. They had each other’s back, moved instinctively to protect the other. They were two halves of a whole. Tali never believed that there could be beauty in battle, but watching Garrus and Shepard, well, it was certainly something she had never seen before.

 

It wasn’t just when they were fighting though. Tali saw the way that Garrus looked at Shepard. He admired her. At first Tali assumed that it was simply in a mentor-mentee kind of manner, but it was more than that. Shepard spent a lot of time in the main battery room, and more then once Tali had found the pair sitting together in the mess hall, after everyone else had gone to sleep, simply talking. She knew that out of everyone on the crew, Shepard valued Garrus’ advice the most. They were close, she just hadn’t realised exactly how close they had become. He made her laugh, really laugh. She was the only one he truly relaxed around.

 

Tali felt guilty for the niggling sense of jealousy that came up every she saw the two of them together.

 

If there were two beings in the Galaxy that Tali wanted by her side on her last days, it was Garrus and Shepard. Both were kind, good and honest and they always made her feel safe and valued. They were her family; she would follow them to the ends of the universe.

 

For a Quarian outside the migrant fleet, that was a rare thing.

 

They were her friends, her best friends. Was she so foolish in thinking that maybe there could be more to it than that?

 

Why did Garrus have to pick Shepard? Why her, out of everyone?

 

Of course she knew the answer to that, but it didn’t make her feel any better.

 

Shepard was beautiful, funny, kind, strong and the most wonderful human Tali had ever met. Garrus would have had to have been blind not to notice that.

 

Was she awful for wishing she were in her best friend’s place?

 

She had never been one for big, emotional displays. She felt things strongly, but she kept herself guarded, always. If she had spoken up, or done something, anything, would it have made a difference?

 

Would he have made his move on Shepard if he knew of her feelings?

 

Did they realise that one word and Tali would throw everything that ever mattered away to be together?

 

It wasn’t like she had planned for this to happen. When Tali was growing up she had imagined what it would be like to fall in love, to link her suit with another’s. It had never occurred to her as a child that it wouldn’t be with another Quarian. Not that interspecies relationships were unheard of, they were just… well, rare.

 

She loved them both, but it felt like a knife stabbing her heart every time she saw Shepard in Garrus’ arms, the Turian holding her close and whispering softly to her.

 

It should have been her. Oh, why wasn’t it her?

 

Part of her wanted to tell him, so badly it hurt. Surely he would understand that her feelings were stronger, he would see reason and leave Shepard. Of course the rational part of her brain cursed the very thought. If Garrus was happy, then who was she to ruin it? He was her friend first and foremost. The thought of losing that friendship entirely made her shudder.

 

She couldn’t count the number of nights they’d spent together, joking and messing around with the rest of the crew when she couldn’t sleep. He never failed to make her laugh, and he had always been there when she felt homesick. Mind you, these days she didn’t miss the migrant fleet as much. The Normandy with her quiet engine and her brilliant commander, she was home. Tali wasn’t sure she could go back anymore, she no longer worried about what that meant for the future.

 

It hurt, seeing them together. It wasn’t like they were obnoxious or unprofessional in any manner, at least outside of the main battery room. It was the little gestures. The way Garrus’ hand lingered on Shepard’s shoulder, the small smile she sent his way when she thought he wasn’t looking, the way they naturally gravitated together. How had she missed it before?

 

Again, she knew the answer. She had been so lost in her own feelings, so hung up on a future where after they defeated the reapers, maybe, just maybe they could be together.

 

Tali had never thought she could want someone like this, and keelah, she wanted. It drove her mad some nights, the desire to touch with her bare skin, to kiss, to caress. She would suffer through the fevers and chills any day simply to-

 

Well, it was nothing more than fantasy now. She had missed her chance and now she would spend her days silently fighting her feelings, pretending that everything was fine. Briefly she had wondered whether, after the fighting was done, she should leave the Normandy and Shepard and return to the Flotilla, or make her own way.

 

Again, it was pure fantasy. She would welcome the pain with open arms as long as it meant she could get even a glimpse of the love she wished she had. Shepard had once told her of a phenomenon on earth – a solar eclipse. It was a rare thing of beauty, awe inspiring and wonderful, you couldn’t bear to tear your eyes away, even if it hurt.

 

Oh, how it burned.

 

It wasn’t like she had planned on falling in love. In retrospect she was doomed from the start. The things they had done together; the things they had seen! Tali was by no means a sheltered child, but traveling with Shepard and Garrus had opened her eyes to the beauty and the horrors of the galaxy.

 

It was nice to explore the galaxy with someone like that. They shared a lot, those first few weeks. Tali talked a lot about her family, about missing home and the weight of their expectations. It was something they had in common. Tali herself became a sounding board. She watched as her soldier grew and became stronger, more surefooted and confident. Deadlier too, and somehow kinder as well. This galaxy had a habit of turning everyone into bitter, selfish, worse versions of themselves, and after some of the things they had seen, it wouldn’t have surprised Tali to see it do the same to them. Yet, somehow, they were all better for it.

 

She never thought something as simple as a smile could make her feel the things that they did, but it was nothing at all compared to the friendly flirtatiousness that seemed designed to drive Tali to the brink of madness. Tali had never been gladder that her helmet stopped the world from seeing how her face heated up every time she was on the receiving end of one of those winks.

 

She’d had dreams of how their life might look like after the war. Of course, it had never occurred to her that someone else might take her place in those dreams, but that was beside the point. They would be happy in each others arms. Content growing old together. Tali also had other dreams, ones that were filled with breathless moaning and exploring hands, kisses and other delightful things. Their physical biology’s might not match, but Tali had seen enough vids to give her some ideas of how to overcome certain hurdles.

 

She knew even from the get go that there was no guarantee that her feelings would be reciprocated. That was fine, she would take friendship over nothing (she would take whatever she could get with willing and open arms), she had told herself that a thousand times. Tali had also assumed that she would have time to make her feelings known. To woo and romance and yes, maybe even seduce.

 

She couldn’t deny that she wanted, desperately, to find out how that interspecies mixing would occur.

 

How exactly did one go about informing their best friend that they had very inappropriate thoughts about said friend’s partner and the naughty and delightful things they might do in a shadowy corner of the ship?

 

So why did it felt like betrayal when her very best friend stole that chance away from her? Rationally she knew it wasn’t fair to think thoughts like that, but rationality be damned!

 

Mind you, said best friend had saved her life more times than she could count, and always had her back. How could she resent someone who made her life better, even if they had the only thing Tali had ever truly wanted?

 

Could she enjoy the happiness of Garrus and Shepard without begrudging the cause of it? Keelah, she wanted to. That in itself might have been the worst thing, they were both so, so, so _blissful_! She didn’t think she had ever seen the Turian so damn cheerful! He was singing as he worked. SINGING! And Shepard, poor Shepard who was under so much pressure and stress was smiling and laughing again and it was wonderful and Tali just wanted to die from the warring feelings inside of her.

 

Without a doubt, Tali would take friendship over nothing. She would take every friendly hug, every moment of playful jokes and late night ‘deep and meaningful’s’ and every throw away smile as a gift. She couldn’t understand how someone who claimed to love another would walk away entirely if their love was rejected. It didn’t make sense to her. Quarians were many things, but at least they understood the value of relationships. Tali would take every part of that friendship as the blessing it was, even if it was all she ever received.

 

When things got more hectic, when duties pulled them away from each other Tali found herself missing their talks. She returned to the Flotilla to finish her pilgrimage even as her very soul protested leaving the Normandy, and her heart, behind.

 

The the Normandy was attacked, Shepard was spaced and Garrus disappeared into thin air.  It was agonising. The loss of her friend was bad enough, but losing the one she truly loved? She wouldn’t wish it upon her worst enemy. How could she survive when it felt like her soul was dead inside of her? She was on another ship, under another commander and yet she still searched relentlessly for any hint, any whisper. How could someone just disappear like that? How could they go and leave her behind, an empty shell of who she used to be? It felt like someone had snuffed out the candle inside of her, leaving her hollow and numb.

 

Still, even as she wept in the darkness of her room, she had hope.

 

When Shepard came back and brought Garrus with her it was like her world had suddenly righted itself. She saw that smile, heard that laugh, and everything was suddenly good again.

 

Tali took every opportunity for them to spend time together. Whenever Shepard and Garrus went out on missions, she made sure she was by their side. She told herself she wanted to make sure that they stayed safe (because their big guns and raw innate skill in battle couldn’t do that for them) but it was really because of the way she felt when she was around them. She trained with them, gave counsel and advice in the war room. She began to realise that the skip of her heart when she made eye contact, or the way that the most casual of touches made her skin feel like it was on fire even beneath her suit wasn’t a normal reaction.

 

She was embarrassed to admit that she actually went to visit Chakwas at first, fearing that she’d caught another virus. The doctor had laughed and Tali learned that she was experiencing the sensation of falling in love. Of course, it was only then that she realised the doctor was wrong. She wasn’t falling in love, that had happened a long time ago, so slowly she hadn’t seen it happening at all.

 

She knew within herself that this was not some fleeting love, it would not pass, or diminish. Quarians loved once and they loved strongly. It was a blessing and a curse, but Tali couldn’t bring herself to regret her feelings, not even as she watched Garrus gently caress Shepard’s cheek on the bridge and felt the ache deep in her body.

 

She would not regret her feelings, nor any moment that led her to love her beautiful soldier, even if it hurt. If she closed her eyes and thought back on every time her love had protected her, defended her or made her day better simply by being there her heart grew warm and fuzzy and she found herself smiling. How could she regret something so pure?

 

No, she might hide her feelings from others, but she would never deny them, not when they were the best thing about her.

 

And while Garrus and Shepard remained blissfully ignorant of the crushing desire that Tali had for one of them, someone else wasn’t.

 

A few days after Tali had walked in on Shepard and Garrus making out in the main battery room, she had a guest come visit her down in the engine room. Joker, of all people.

 

It seems that he, out of everyone on the crew, had noticed the way her eyes followed the Commander and Garrus around the ship, quite a feat considering that her helmet disguised a lot of her facial movements. Then again, out of everyone, Joker seemed quite observant, or maybe her pining was just really obvious to anyone who wasn’t diving headlong into a new relationship.

 

He’d leant down on the bar beside her and placed a single hand on her shoulder for a moment before removing it quickly.

 

 _“For what its worth I’m sorry. It sucks to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back,”_ He’d said, somewhat awkwardly, as if expressing real emotion without a sarcastic edge to it was slightly foreign to him.

 

Tali had just barely refrained from correcting him. There was still a chance… maybe.

 

_“To be honest with you, I kinda thought Garrus had a thing for you too, but… well, ah, never mind.”_

At that, Tali hadn’t been able to stop herself (it may have also been due to the several drinks she had consumed earlier in the evening, but who’s to say for sure).

 

“ _Garrus? You think I’m in love with Garrus?! I’m not in love with Garrus!”_

The look on his face was priceless.

 

“ _But, you… oh. Oh. The commander? Shepard? But she’s, well, um she’s… ah… you know… um, never mind. Well, okay then.”_

Face tomato red he’d fled from the room quickly after that. Tali would have laughed if she didn’t want to cry.

Tali’Zorah vas Normandy was absolutely, utterly, inescapably in love with Commander Jane Shepard for better or worse, Garrus or no Garrus. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed (and I hope you did) lemme know by pressing that Kudos button or leaving a comment!


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